Don't read if you hate emotional posts.

Back in Form 3, I did so badly in one of my Geography exams, the teacher had to call out my name (along with a few others) to tell us to "work harder".

I felt very stupid then.

In Form 4, I failed my add maths exam, with a 37/100.

I felt even more stupid then.



Maybe it's just my class in college, maybe I'm just not prepared yet, but I've never, never felt so stupid in my entire life.

I could sit in class, and feel like if I were to start answering questions, everyone would know how completely stupid I am.

I'd take 5 mins just to comprehend the problem - they'd take 5 minutes to solve it.

It's hard not to feel inferior to them. And it's only the first week.




Now, if I were to opt out of this course, it'd mean only one thing - that I'm recognizing myself as a failure, that I know excelling is beyond my capabilities.

But if I soldier on with it, I'd die worrying how I'd do in the final exam.

Regarding how it's 100% exam-based, as a friend put it, "As Malaysians, we're groomed for that."



But my problem is, I'd die if I don't get enough A's. (Very Malaysian kiasu thinking, very sad, I know.)

Everyone knows it's that hard to get good grades in A Levels.

I was so afraid of not getting 8A's for PMR, I actually wrote myself a letter a night before the results were out, just in case I'd get so deppressed over unsatisfactory results.

Half an hour before the announcement, I bought myself two packets of tissues, just in case.


I've already started having sleepless nights worrying over my SPM results ever since last month.

Occasionally I'd bring it up and say ,"Eh SPM results really scared la" and someone would ask me to shut up or else.



Point is, I'd like to think this isn't for me, because I cannot cope with the pressure of having your future determined within that few hours of examination.

Did you know I felt so sick and was on the verge of puking during the first day of SPM?

I cannot stand the whole "DO GOOD NOW OR DIE LATER" thing.



It's a very stupid thing to be going through, all the worrying and all, because everyone knows exam results aren't everything, but the sad thing is, I'm not good in sports, I don't publish books, nobody reads what I write, people laugh when I try to draw, so what else do I have left?

Get A's.

Aim for medicine, because eventhough you know it's never what you wanted before, at least it'd make you seem that much smarter, 'cause stupid people don't do medicine.

Aim for medicine because everyone in your class has aspirations of being a doctor, and you'd sound stupid if you stood up and said, "I want to be a journalist" during self-introductions.

Don't do journalism or interior designing, because everyone can do all that, but not everyone can do pharmacy or physiotherapy.

I'm aiming high, I'm aiming medicine.

But then there're people like my own mother, who tells me point blank that I'm not cut out for it.

She tells me to drop my sciences, and take up economics and law and sociology.

She says she "can tell" I'm "arts-inclined, completely not the science person".

Which is almost true, but I'm aiming high.




This, is what happens when you have low self esteem. You feel you need to do things to boost it, improve the way you see yourself.

Being in the same class with Very Clever People isn't one of those things.





























































































But really, if anyone were to ask me how do I see myself in the far future, I'd say I see myself changing the world.

I don't mind being a teacher, if I get to educate the poor.

I don't mind being a doctor, if I get to heal those who can't afford to go anywhere else for treatment.

I don't mind just being there, helping out whatever way I can.

I don't care, really.

I just want to help.



But first I gotta know what first steps to take.

And this is where the problem comes in.