Why throwing stuff away is not good

I couldn't sleep well last couple of nights.

Actually I hadn't been sleeping well since last month, what with having to share a bed with my mom, but I've finally returned home and have since been sleeping in my own bed.

But minus the forts.

Lemme explain. Since I was really young, every night I would build a fort around my bed before I go to sleep. I would prop my pillows up along the side of the bed, and probably along with a soft toy or two, and my trusty bolster.

And I have been using the very same pillows almost all my life. I've now got two types of pillows la, one proper pillow, and two baby pillows. I've gone through a few adult pillows, but my baby pillows have stayed with me since I was a, what else, baby.

So I've since had a number of pillows, of which I'd always sleep on one of the baby pilllows and use the other, along with the adult pillow as fort bricks. But I've only ever had one bolster. Baby bolster, haha.

I'm sometimes strangely sentimental when it comes to my stuff. You have no idea how upset I was when I lost my ruler six months ago. I was still searching for it after a week. Heck, you know I was upset when I'm here talking about it half a year later. But I've been using that ruler since form two. And I didn't obtain it in the conventional way.

But I digress!

Back to my baby bolster. Also my fort brick. Every single night, when I build up my mini fort, I always arrange that bolster on the left side of the bed. So that it can block out the lights from outside that manages to seep in from under the door. When I sleep I always get to feel the bolster on my left. It has been like that ever since I can remember, which must be a LONG time ago, because I remember we were still using that double decker bed then, which my mom dismantled when I got out of kindergarden.

(Background voice: What the hell is your point?!)

Point is, it has become my security pillow. It gives me a sense of security. And when my mom threw my baby bolster away three days ago, she threw my sense of security away with it.

I know my mom has been badgering me to throw it away since a few months ago because the seams were no longer intact and some of the fluff from inside were popping out. Well what did she expect, I've been using it since I was a toddler. I always managed to stop her before she chucked it in the bin.

But few days ago, I wasn't at home. I was out enjoying myself, and my mom was doing her post-renovation house de-cluttering. Which basically means throwing out everything she sees as old, too dirty and crap-looking to revive, and everything else she had meant to throw away but has never quite gotten to it yet (this is where my baby bolster fit the criteria).

So when I came back, my bolster was already in that huge plastic bag full of other things she wanted to throw out.

I could've still saved the situation. I could've fished the thing out. But I figured, what the heck, my mom promised me she'd get me my first ever proper adult bolster (having been using a baby bolster all my life, anything else you people would consider a Normal Bolster would, to me, be an "Adult Bolster").

It wasn't until at night when I was in bed that the profoundness of the situation finally hit me. My mom had thrown away my most important thing from my childhood. My baby bolster!

Back to point number one. Why I couldn't sleep well last couple of nights.

Well, I still had one of my baby pillow back in Times Square. We hadn't actually gone and gotten our stuff back yet. The only reason I had my other baby pillow with me was because I had brought it with me when I was making my way home, by monorail and LRT. Of course, I'm not brainsick, what would people think when they see a 16 year old walking around KL all alone, with a lumpy, old looking pillow.

Nope, I stuffed it in my backpack. And it only fit one pillow.

So I was laying on my bed that night, not being forted up because of the lack of pillows. Adult bolsters would never be the same, because they are huge and clumsy, and they take up a whole lot of my bed space.

Without my bolster, how would I get that all too familiar feeling of security everytime I extend my left hand? Having had that bolster every night for the past (more than) ten years, it feels extremely weird not to have anything on my bed, and to only feel air on my left.

Very weird.

Sad thing is, I don't even have a photo of it.