Disarray

I did it. I dropped my art class.

Nobody here really cares, right?

But. I dropped my art class.

It is the rational thing to do.

I'd never major in art, I can always take the class some other time.

But sociology, now that is a useful subject. That is something I might major in.

Good decision, good decision.

So why is it that I get this horrible feeling when I see my friend walking to the art building with her art pad dikepit in her armpits?

That art class is one of the most fun classes I've had in my entire life, and also the most relaxing. And even though I was never an art person (I can paint and color, but I can't draw for shitx), I feel very at home in the studio.

And you know what the best part was? You know how sometimes teachers look at the students' work, single one out and go like, Okay this is an example of how it's done? Mine was that work.

So you see? I don't suck at it.

I feel so worried, like I'm muddling up my Life-and-What-it-could-Potentially-Be.

I mean, back in high school during those Pendidikan Seni classes, I enjoyed painting. Like, really really enjoy, like, spend-hours-upon-hours-per-painting that kind of enjoy. Like, I'd make myself finish up all the other homework (or at least, the homework that I can't get away with not doing), so that when I finally start painting I can fully relax and enjoy myself.

And I don't think I did very badly la, I got pretty decent grades for those weekly paintings. (Okay, I got B's la, but that was when C's were extremely common and A's were rare.)

So yeah, maybe I have a secret love for art. But nobody freaking builds upon it because the way we see it, art can be nothing more than a hobby. The closest thing to an art career that still commands respect is architecture.

And I'm worried, you know? Because if Pendidikan Seni homework was so incredibly satisfying/enjoyable (and that is only an appetizer to the full course meal that is a full immersion in the arts), and if only a week of college art class can make me love it that much, maybe there's something there, right?

Maybe, if I just let myself try, go explore this field, maybe I'll discover something?

The only reason I still can't make up my mind about the sort of bachelor's degree I want is that I still have not found my passion.

I like a lot of things, but if I'm going to make something my career, if I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing it, if it's going to be something by which the world is going to define me, then I'm sure as heck making sure that it's something I'm deeply passionate about.

And how the heck can I know what I'm passionate about, if I stick to the same things I've been studying?

I'm completely ready to go all the way to make my passion my career.

During winter break, we had a lot of really long conversations at the dining table in my friends' dorm. Someone said something that I think hit home for some of us. He said that he wants to follow his passion (sounds super idealistic hor?), but if he does he knows he'll feel extremely guilty because that sort of career doesn't pay well, and he knows he has the responsibility of taking care of his parents.

I know my parents want me to go ahead and do something that pays well, but the thing is, I don't want to go into a career only because it pays well; if that happened then I'd be letting money become a factor in what defines me.

That's not gonna work. I am more than that. I am so much more than my paycheck.

I am completely content with having just enough to survive, with living sans huge cars, beautifully furnished houses and illogically expensive fashion items. (Well I never really had those things, so I'm positive I can survive without them.) I just need to like be completely in love with what I'm doing.

And that is why I'm scared. I so worried that I haven't tried out different fields enough to find what that love is.

As you can see, I am a very confused person.

Last night, instead of studying for my French quiz and writing my psychology paper, I was up Googling different careers.

Like I said, I need direction. And boy, I need it soon!

(I'm going to have a lot of dessert tonight, to forget this weird, uneasy feeling I have right now. I feel like what seems to be a rational, practical decision might just turn out to be a very wrong one!)

Is my Direction?

This is so men-dilemma-kan!

I have no idea what classes to take. I have no idea what classes to take. I have no idea what classes to take!

I emailed a Sociology professor a week ago to ask if I can join her Intro class.

She replied half an hour ago.

What is this!

A week of classes have already gone by, I already fell in love with my Philosophy class, I already bought $102 worth of art supplies for my painting class, and I am for sure sticking to French and Psychology.

So the question is, do I drop my art class, forget about my OMG-so-expensive oil paints/brushes/canggih-art-stuff-that-I-never-used-before, and pick up Sociology?

No point right, if I don't want to major in Sociology. I can always take that class later on what.

But do I want to major in Sociology?

Do I?

Do I???

It is very me-mafan-kan, when you have no idea what your major would be, and are trying to cram all the introductory classes of your potential-major in your first year.

I think it's time.

It's time I made up my mind about what I freaking want to do with my life.

It's completely ridiculous that I am already 20, older than almost all of my friends back in Malaysia, and am still the only one who hasn't committed to a certain field.

I mean, c'mon wei, people already a quarter of the way to becoming dentists/accountants/whatever, I am still freaking trying to decide between art or sociology intro classes?!

I need direction, man.

I so need to make up my mind.


(Okay someone tell me, if I go back to Malaysia as a sociology major, you think can find job or not? Do you think people want to hire?)

Inauguration

Okay I have to be quick 'cause it is now 10:37AM and my French class at 11:00 and I am still in bed in my pajamas.

All I want to say is, no one, NO ONE should have any excuse to not watch the inauguration today.

Especially the swearing in ceremony.

I can tell you this much, the day a biracial person becomes the president of the United States, is a historical day.

You DON'T want to miss this.

Everyone's talking about it on campus.

People are asking for other people to cover their shifts at work for them, but nobody is willing to sub for anyone because everyone is watching the inauguration.

And in French class later on, instead of watching stupid French videos, we'll be watching the inauguration instead.

Okay la makes me wonder, why not just cancel classes for the day lah?

America has come a long way.

I wonder what Martin Luther King, Jr. would say if he were alive today.

Kancheong Cooks

We're making a mess. A huge mess.

Heck, we are a mess.

There are eggplant bits on the table, stray grains of rice everywhere, there is a can of shrimp we cannot open due to the lack of a can opener, a bowl of what seems to be oily water we spooned out from the pot of overly watery soup, and I'm still trying to figure out how to fry rice in a miniature antique-looking frying pan.

It is almost 4 p.m. and we, in a moment of being overly gung-ho and extremely stupid, have invited this (extremely talented cook) lady over for dinner at 6 p.m. at "our place", with "our place" being the third floor of Loose Hall.

How stupid, kan?

Two more hours, and we are far from ready.

Kan cheong time!

(Why, you would ask, am I here writing in my blog if we have so much left to do?)

(It is because, I would reply, we only have this many cooking utensils and I'm sitting here, waiting for my friend to finish cooking her Iranian eggplant dish.)

Yah yahhhh, Kan Cheong Time!

Awakening

This is going to be one heck of a year, I can feel it in my bones.

This year is going to completely blow your socks off.

I don't know what the future holds, I don't know how second-semester classes will be, or what I'd do during my 3-month summer break;
I don't know how my second year of university will start off, or what major to declare;
I don't know how my relationships with people will be, or how my perspective will change;
I don't even know how it would feel like to be 20. (Fifteen more days!)

But I don't care, because I know this year is going to Count.

I'm going to make it Count.

This year, I'm not going to just exist, I'm going to Live.

Awaken to this moment, and life begins anew
Reach inside, and allow
your most treasured
dreams to awaken with you
Into a bright and shining new day

You're stronger, more experienced
and more determined than ever
To fulfill those longings
That tell you who you are

Now is your moment to create real meaning
Now is your moment to awaken
And to truly and fully live

- Awaken

Happy new year everyone! =)

Let's make 2009 the year, in which we make it all happen, okay? Because heck, we know we all have what it takes.

And when we write in our blogs on 31st December 2009, we'll all be able to say we Did It, we Achieved Something, we have Lived, and most of all, we are Truly Happy, and not at all in the superficial "I-got-good-grades-My-boyfriend-loves-me-I-got-new-cellphone!!" sense.

Now let the good times roll!